I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
