We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
