Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
