He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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