Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
