the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
