Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
