i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
