i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
