Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
