Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
