Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I met the friendliest cop last night
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize