Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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