i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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