I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
