Betty ford says i'm here all night
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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