cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
