she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
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I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
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You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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