Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
