remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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