remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
