you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
