i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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