She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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