bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
