I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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