Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
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I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
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Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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