It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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