Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.