I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?