You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week