Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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