I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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