i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
