i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
