So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
