Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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