He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
