i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You are a genius and a whore.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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