i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
