I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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