Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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