I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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