lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
