I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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