i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think my moral compass just broke
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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