you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
