She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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