just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
