Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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