Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
