Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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