Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just invented taco cereal.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
