So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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