textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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