Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
