i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
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You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
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We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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