I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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