I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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