Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
