3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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