someone threw a dead crab at me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
