I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
