I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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