ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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