i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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