I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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